


Wish I May, Wish I Might

by ThreeWhiskeyLunch



Series: Dreamland [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Beginnings, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 10:43:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8486281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeWhiskeyLunch/pseuds/ThreeWhiskeyLunch
Summary: The hardest part of loving Shepard is knowing each moment might be the last.Happy N7 2016!





	

**Author's Note:**

> When you come back from the end of the Leviathan DLC, Kaidan has some off-hand comment about '...that's why I love you, Shepard', and it's said in this casual manner as if he's said it before, and yet I'm pretty sure he hasn't. And it's just like...wait, wut? So this story happened.

He regrets the words even as he says them. Nevertheless, he's angry and anxious and he can’t stop them from slipping from his mouth.  
  
  
“Never do that again.”  
  
  
It’s still so new; this tender, fragile thing between them. So long in the making, so few words of trust between them. And then he has to say that, watching Shepard fall from the mech onto the salt-washed deck, blood dripping from his nose, skin pale and cold, shivers wracking his body.  
  
  
Is it worth it? He has to wonder. Loving John the man, watching Shepard the Commander risk his life. Is it worth the heartache and worry? Would it be easier if Shepard didn’t take him along on missions so he could wait and pace in the privacy of the observation lounge? He could easily beg off, involve himself in so many other tasks that required the attention of an Alliance Major or as a Spectre. And yet.  
  
  
And yet.  
  
  
It’s always going to be like this. Shepard will burn and burn, will never stop doing the one thing that makes Kaidan weak in the knees with desire while at the same time making his stomach churn in torment; that one thing of just being himself. It’s a puzzle he cannot complete. How to love a man like Shepard and not guard his own heart from fear of losing him. Not to someone else, or even to death (Please not again.), but to the galaxy at large. Strung out from one end of it to the other, giving and giving until pieces of him have touched every corner and crack he can find. Stretched so thin he becomes a fine, transparent filament that spans across the galaxy in a web. Kaidan’s lungs ache with the thought.  
  
  
He finds himself counting stars, reciting a children’s poem he’d learned so long ago, while his forehead is pressed against the cool glass in the observation lounge. “Star light, star bright, first star that I see tonight…”  
  
  
And that’s Shepard right there: bright star that draws him in, draws everyone in with his warmth and brightness and inescapable gravity. And yes, Kaidan’s had eyes only for him since the moment he first saluted him on the Normandy, drawn in by liquid blue eyes and closely shaven dark hair. The sharp angles on his face. The scars. The smile that quirked up one side of his mouth. He was drawn into him from the start and for all his doubts, he always knew he would never be able to escape, the inevitable crash of a circling comet into the sun.  
  
  
“I wish I may, I wish I might…”  
  
  
What is his wish? If he could wish for anything, knowing it would come true. So many things. He wishes the Reapers would go away, to never have existed, but then would that change the man Shepard is today? How much of him has been built on the foundation of Saren and Sovereign and all that came after? If he wishes away the Reapers, does he change the man he loves? It changes everything in the galaxy, may even change if Kaidan and Shepard were to even have met. No. He’s not so selfless. Not even in the wild fantasy of childish imaginings does he think for one moment he’d be happy with anyone else like he is with John.  
  
  
What else could he wish for? It’s not about him. He just wants Shepard to be safe, to stay alive so that maybe someday they can put this behind them, live a normal life or as close to it as two Spectres are able. Think about things other than war. He could wish for the future to happen for them both, to build a life together, maybe raise a couple kids. He could. But he knows his heart can’t bear it. He can’t think about the future. There is only right now, right this minute and Shepard will always be Shepard, will burn bright and strong until he’s stopped by death whenever that may be.  
  
  
He hears the doors open quietly, soft steps behind him and he smiles against the cool glass, feels the hands that slide around him, the body that melds against him, so hard, so warm. John holds Kaidan, arms firm around his chest, hands flat as if he wants every surface of his own to touch Kaidan, his cheek pressed against his back.  
  
  
“Kaidan, I’m sorry-”  
  
  
“No. Shepard. John. No. I shouldn’t have said that. I’ll never ask you to...stop being you. I just...for a moment, I wished. That things were different. But I know. I know you. You’ll always do what needs to be done. And I can’t ask you to stop. I just...I worry, you know? We’re so...new. This is so fragile and…” his voice trails off, can’t complete his thought. John has listened in silence, fingers tracing over his chest in small movements. Kaidan turns in his arms, his own going around Shepard’s waist.  
  
  
John rubs his cheek with his own, freshly shaved, smelling of shower and something. Aftershave? Did he put on cologne? Whatever it is it’s subtle, makes Kaidan think of leather and smoke and he closes his eyes as he breathes it in. The arms around him hold him tighter. “I don’t want you to worry.”  
  
  
“I know. But I will. That’s going to be the way it is. But John. I’ll always be there. I’ll always have your six. Just because I love you doesn’t mean I can’t do my job-”  
  
  
Shepard pulls back, looks at him, startled and blinking. “Wait. Just-um. You...love me?” There’s a hitch in his breath, a glimmer of hope in his eyes, the corner of his mouth quirking up.  
  
  
Had he said that out loud? It’s been in his head for so long, he’s lived with the knowledge for years that it’s just become a part of him. Admitting it feels so everyday. But to John, it’s new and so he smiles, feels heat blushing his cheeks. “Yeah. John. I love you-”  
  
  
Then he can’t say any more, or rather, he doesn’t want to because John is kissing him. Not those shy, playful kisses he’s given him before, but hard, with longing and heat and desire that makes him ache instantly. And he knows. He knows right then that all the waiting has been for this one moment, the two of them suspended in time in front of the entire galaxy. He kisses back with his own needs, his own heat and the answer to the question is: yes. Yes, it’s worth it to love Shepard. Not easy. Not simple. Not without risk. But when was anything worthwhile that didn’t involve a little risk?  
  
  
John pulls back, just enough to rest his forehead on Kaidan’s, noses rubbing together. “Yeah. Good. That’s...good. I-” he smiles, lips hovering just over his mouth, “I love you, Kaidan. I love you, too.”  
  
  
“Yeah? I-yeah. Okay,” his heart is tripping out of his chest, beating so hard surely the other man can feel it. He doesn’t let go, pulls him tighter, hugs him with a fierceness born of years of yearning. Then Shepard is kissing him again, softer this time, but with no less passion and Kaidan feels the universe fall away so there is only their two bodies, their two souls pressed against each other and nothing more. Twirling and whirling in the star-speckled blackness of space. Everything else will take care of itself. Whatever happens tomorrow or the next day, he can’t control any of that. But he knows what his wish is now and it’s so simple and clear it makes his head spin.  
  
  
All he wants, all he needs are these moment with John. Just these few precious moments. Nothing else matters.


End file.
